How we treat ourselves.

I was thinking about how we treat ourselves like we should treat ourselves good but sometimes we don’t. I’ve had this pair of shoes for around a year, totally falling apart, I’ve glued them back together multiple time with shoe glue and they are just falling to pieces. Like what is the point in that? I guess I’m trying to save a few bucks but at what cost? I’m not sure but feels like my sanity.

It’s been raining again lately and I thought the last time I had glued them up I had fixed my leaky slash wet sock problem, lol yeah my socks were getting wet but for some reason “I’m saving money” somehow makes sense in this scenario. I’m working all day in ~30 degree weather with wet socks, thankfully my feet were never cold so maybe this is why I had convinced myself it was okay, but man like wet socks? Like that’s the worst my dude, why am I doing this to myself I ask. It’s not like I can’t afford to get a pair of shoes so I can work and like ya know take care of myself. I don’t know.

I do know that I want to have a nice pair of non work shoes not covered in whatever gets on them at work. That’s why I wasn’t wearing my other pair of shoes that I had. So I ordered some more shoes and still wasn’t wearing the good ones I had then I’m like *forehead smack* I can wear those till my new new ones come in and just use those as my nice pair, I mean they are the same shoe, color and everything. So yeah I have been wearing those the past couple of days, it’s been nice.

Do nice stuff for yourself even if it’s just a pair of work shoes. That’s all.

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Life’s Ambitions

It’s funny looking back thinking about how my ex girlfriends family didn’t like me because I didn’t have any “ambition”. Which they may of been partly right on, but seeing where I am today and that I still have ideas for things I want to do (while actually accomplishing some of them), it was never that I didn’t have the ambition. It was more that I had a hard realization of it takes money to make money and I did not ever have the extra money to do the ideas that I had. I also probably didn’t have the knowledge to actually manage a business, how to accomplish what I wanted to do or anything like that.

Now I find the knowledge where ever I can and do what I can and learn the rest along the way. I have come further in the last few years to doing the new ideas that I’ve had then probably ever in my life, there was always some excuse as to why I couldn’t do it, now I try and figure it out a long the way, constantly evolving the idea into something workable and to further the end goal of the idea along.

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Star Trek Discovery… discoveries hehe

So when I heard they were releasing a new star trek I assumed it was going to be a new movie. Then I realized like maybe a week or so back that it was actually a tv show. Now I’m all for some new star trek shows but I’m having mixed feelings about this one. It’s hard when you do a prequel to a bunch of other shows and movies to actually do it right, this one has naturally come out with a bunch of new technology that is never mentioned in any other series or movies and has revamped the look of the klingons and added in a bunch of other species as well. Which is like why are you doing this?

This doesn’t fit into anything else really and just feels like a cash grab. 🙁 Only time will tell if it is actually good and doesn’t screw up the continuity of the other shows/movies. It’s like I say about the new knight rider, it’s good if you don’t know anything about the original series and that will probably be the case here too…

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Epiphany extravaganza!

So today and work and even this morning when I got up I was having a really hard time dealing with things, namely being apart from her. And so somewhere near the middle of my day I had an epiphany as it were.

A little back story I was bombarded all day with questions and phone calls from my coworkers and here I am trying to deal with my problems and just put my headphones on and listen to some music and try to escape away to some solitude or whatever and I can’t even just listen to a song without getting interrupted and it was extremely frustrating and just making things worse for me.

So I was outside and just thinking and then it hits me. I’m basically there all the time and just wanting to be with her and spend time with her and love on her and she is having a (string of) bad day(s) at work and has to come home and deal with me and her child and what needs to be done around the house that I didn’t get to before she got there. I say deal with me loosely but it’s there because it was just one more thing that needed her attention that she didn’t want to have to deal with at the moment even though she cared for me it was just too much and then it just kind of struck me how overwhelming that feeling is, needing some time alone and not being able to get it. And even though I had told her that I could stay over at a family members place I didn’t and she didn’t want to ask because she didn’t want to make me feel bad, even though I told her it wouldn’t. It just clicked in my brain and I just felt stupid over all the additional burden I had unintentionally put on her even though I was trying to help her out with the things she had going on in her life I was really just making it worse.

So I do not remember if it was before this moment or after but I was looking up on Google “this too shall pass” and some of the (apparent) history behind it that I didn’t know about. And so I don’t know if it was the epiphany or this or both or what but I just got calm and just knew that I could give her the space she needed even though it’s the last thing that I really wanted to do, I just knew it wasn’t going to help anything trying to force it as it were to work.

Amusingly I saw that phrase on Facebook a little while later and was like “hey! I was just thinking that!” Even though it was about something else unrelated to what I was dealing with.

And so now I wait and try to be as patient as I can…

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This must be what going crazy feels like.

So where to begin… where indeed…

So where indeed, at some point I will go back to the beginning but not today I think.

So for today we eventually got back together and then she broke up with me again a little while later. I think this was due in part well mostly to the fact that I had been staying there everyday and then I gave up my apartment to save on money all the meanwhile saying I could stay with a family member if need be. Which I honestly in retrospect should of done but did not. I think all of this just exasperated her already stressful life with work and everything going on. So you told me that she was emotionally unavailable and that it wasn’t fair to me to give and give and give and for her to not be able to give anything in return. Which I did notice that she had been distant and eventually traced it back to me giving up my apartment for sure and signing over the paperwork, I think that’s when it for sure sunk in for both of us and when she began to draw away from me.

So me being me said that I was okay with how it was and that she would eventually come around but she didn’t want to be in the situation that I had created for us. We’ll good ducking job on my part. Like seriously what the fuck was I thinking when all this was playing out? I have the problem of analyzing things after they have imploded so I did see this coming at all. It just made sense at the time that I would save some money and in return be able to help her out with her bills and things. Well yeah sherlock that worked out real well and now she needs space to figure things out. I swear sometimes for being so smart with some things that I can be so stupid when it comes to women. I just don’t even know what to do anymore. It’s like everything reminds me of her. Music and this or that and there she is coming right back into my brain. It hasn’t even been a week yet but it feels like a lifetime. I mean have you ever loved someone so much that without them it’s just like your world dissolves into nothingness? It sounds crazy but I just don’t know how to explain it. It’s just that everything about her is perfect to me and just fits right into me and completes me. Maybe I just love to hard and there’s nothing I can do about it. They say just give her time but it’s just so darn hard. I can’t even fathom not being with her. It’s like I just want to love her and listen to her and talk to her and show her things and do stuff with her. She says we don’t have anything or very much in common but we haven’t really had a chance to do things and talk about what we like to do. And we have a difference of opinions on various topics and it’s like we’ll no one has ever challenged my beliefs or the way I was brought up and I just never had to think about them and then when I get a chance too it’s like it’s too late and I can’t even tell her and it’s driving me crazy. Crazy dammit! It’s one of the many things that I love about her is that she does challenge me and talks to me or at least did all the damn time and I just miss it! I just feel sad and alone. I think this is how king baratheon felt when he said seven kingdoms couldn’t fill the hole she left behind (game of thrones reference there) and I totally understand that. It’s like no matter what I do I can’t fill the hole (not that I really want too) that she used to occupy. Well she is still there in memory just not in presence.

I just don’t know what to do…


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It’s always darkest before the dawn

This couldn’t be more true – it’s always darkest before the dawn. I was starting to lose hope and starting to doubt myself and what I could of possibly done wrong that I would have to be dealt this. Can life really be this unfair? I mean I know the answer to that… of course it can but I just didn’t want to believe it! How could I just be this madly, head over heels in love with this girl and she not feel the same way? I felt in my heart that she did but that she was struggling with something else and just couldn’t return my affections. Well I tired not texting her and that wasn’t working. I just wanted to tell her all about my day and hear about hers as we had been doing but she just couldn’t, I was seriously having a hard time with trying to give her space even though I knew that’s what she needed. I just wanted to say here look at this funny picture or you won’t believe what just happened kind of stuff. And so I almost made it a whole day without talking to her, still thinking about her all day long, every minute of every hour, every second of the day and then out if nowhere she texted me. And one thing led to another and I asked if I could see her and she said yes! Hallelujah!! And so she came over and we talked and it was great! Just great! I really like this girl, I do believe I’ve found the one…

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Another day in the life of…

Well I went out to the pool with my new floaty and googles, I’d been wanting some since last summer and finally got some and then I had to wait for the pool to open because a new company bought my apartment complex and they were waiting on the city to check it or something… so anyway I liked to go to to the pool last year cause I was stressed about work and it was nice to just float around and to not have to think about anything! Well since I been going through some stuff the past week I figured I’d finally get out my floaty and googles and go for a swim and float around in style, ha ha! Well it was still a tad bit chilly as it hasn’t really been to warm yet but I still got in and it wasn’t to bad after I dunked myself in. Well I could see a couple stars and stuff in the sky (thanks to light pollution) I still wasn’t able to fully relax though because I was still thinking about you. Not that thinking about you isn’t relaxing but just more of the fact that I haven’t seen you so long and just to be around you at all, is punishment enough. I really miss you! A lot!!

Your future bae.

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Falling, hopelessness, despair.

Well the last time I felt this awesome (sarcasm) has been quite awhile. I feel a bout of insomnia creeping up on me. The last time I had it was when I broke up with my ex that I had been with for several years. And the sad thing is I have only know this girl for a few weeks and I’m already starting to feel like shit being away from her. Been depressed and getting lethargic because we’ll life just doesn’t have the same meaning it once did. I honestly could of said I never thought this would happen to me again, just because I am not normally the guy to seek out a relationship. It just kind of happened and for once in my life I finally felt like I had purpose again and meaning to my life. Well not any more and I just feel lost… lost and alone. It’s probably made worse due to the fact that I am still texting with her daily which is nice but I’m getting the feeling more and more that it is not going to work out in my favor and that there is nothing that I can do to make it work again, which definitely doesn’t make me feel any better. Who knows maybe I’m over thinking and over analyzing it but I just don’t know ya know? All I know is that I don’t like feeling this way…

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Unsure of what to do with myself

So always having an idea what I would be doing you know later in the day or whatever. It all changed when I met someone else, you know was in all about myself or whatever. Ok let me back up, I was another relationship and I spent a lot of time with her in this can I get to the point where you know just felt like all I did was spend how much time with her and I never really did anything for me. And I know that’s not really the truth but that’s the way I guess I felt at the time? So I really enjoyed going home to my own house you know so I can do my own stuff and get a break and you know all that jazz. So anyways umm, fast forward back to present day. I met a really awesome girl and I really enjoy spending time with her and hanging out and doing stuff you know that I would consider I guess to be typical relationship stuff. I guess I wouldn’t really know because I’m not really very good at this. I also want to point out that I find myself wanting to spend more and more time with this woman, because I really enjoy hanging out with her, not like I have to find an excuse to get away it’s like I have to find a reason to be there or something I know I don’t need a reason I don’t really know how to explain it. Well do to… The fact that I’m not very good at this and can be kind of daft sometimes she wanted to take a break. Which I don’t really blame her because I was kind of an ass. Well I’m at the point where I kind of got accustomed to hanging out with her. Well in giving her space in her break I am quite obviously not hanging out with her. And therefore I’m back at home I’m not really sure what to do with myself I mean there’s stuff to do but now I’ve grown accustomed to hanging out with her and doing the stuff that I used to do alone with her. And well it just feels weird to do it by myself and so I’m kind of sitting at home twiddling my thumbs, bored out of my mind. And I’m hoping that one day she’ll want to date me again and to be with me, but nothing in life is for certain… So for now it’s just wait and see…

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You never know what you have till its gone, or so they say.

I knew what I had but now that I am having to be without it, I’m feeling it. I wanted to hang out this weekend but you wanted your space and I’m giving it to you but that doesn’t mean that I have to be happy about it, quiet the opposite in fact. I really like you and I know you said I don’t have to tell you that, because you know but I do really like you. I really do like you, everything about you. You are smart and intelligent and I find that very sexy. You speak what’s on your mind and I like that too. You’re irish and I like that too. You tell me what you like and what you don’t like and I like that too. I like your short red hair too and your brown eyes I could stare into them for hours. I like that you are short too. I like your silky smooth skin. I could go on and on with what I like about you. You are both physically and mentally attractive and I am missing you something fierce. Hopefully you will come to want me back in your life for the right reasons and we can continue on, if not I would be incredibly sad but life eventually goes on, how that would look I don’t know because I cannot consider my life without you in it. Hopefully you feel the same way. Until then I will patiently wait…


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