This must be what going crazy feels like.

So where to begin… where indeed…

So where indeed, at some point I will go back to the beginning but not today I think.

So for today we eventually got back together and then she broke up with me again a little while later. I think this was due in part well mostly to the fact that I had been staying there everyday and then I gave up my apartment to save on money all the meanwhile saying I could stay with a family member if need be. Which I honestly in retrospect should of done but did not. I think all of this just exasperated her already stressful life with work and everything going on. So you told me that she was emotionally unavailable and that it wasn’t fair to me to give and give and give and for her to not be able to give anything in return. Which I did notice that she had been distant and eventually traced it back to me giving up my apartment for sure and signing over the paperwork, I think that’s when it for sure sunk in for both of us and when she began to draw away from me.

So me being me said that I was okay with how it was and that she would eventually come around but she didn’t want to be in the situation that I had created for us. We’ll good ducking job on my part. Like seriously what the fuck was I thinking when all this was playing out? I have the problem of analyzing things after they have imploded so I did see this coming at all. It just made sense at the time that I would save some money and in return be able to help her out with her bills and things. Well yeah sherlock that worked out real well and now she needs space to figure things out. I swear sometimes for being so smart with some things that I can be so stupid when it comes to women. I just don’t even know what to do anymore. It’s like everything reminds me of her. Music and this or that and there she is coming right back into my brain. It hasn’t even been a week yet but it feels like a lifetime. I mean have you ever loved someone so much that without them it’s just like your world dissolves into nothingness? It sounds crazy but I just don’t know how to explain it. It’s just that everything about her is perfect to me and just fits right into me and completes me. Maybe I just love to hard and there’s nothing I can do about it. They say just give her time but it’s just so darn hard. I can’t even fathom not being with her. It’s like I just want to love her and listen to her and talk to her and show her things and do stuff with her. She says we don’t have anything or very much in common but we haven’t really had a chance to do things and talk about what we like to do. And we have a difference of opinions on various topics and it’s like we’ll no one has ever challenged my beliefs or the way I was brought up and I just never had to think about them and then when I get a chance too it’s like it’s too late and I can’t even tell her and it’s driving me crazy. Crazy dammit! It’s one of the many things that I love about her is that she does challenge me and talks to me or at least did all the damn time and I just miss it! I just feel sad and alone. I think this is how king baratheon felt when he said seven kingdoms couldn’t fill the hole she left behind (game of thrones reference there) and I totally understand that. It’s like no matter what I do I can’t fill the hole (not that I really want too) that she used to occupy. Well she is still there in memory just not in presence.

I just don’t know what to do…


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