Epiphany extravaganza!

So today and work and even this morning when I got up I was having a really hard time dealing with things, namely being apart from her. And so somewhere near the middle of my day I had an epiphany as it were.

A little back story I was bombarded all day with questions and phone calls from my coworkers and here I am trying to deal with my problems and just put my headphones on and listen to some music and try to escape away to some solitude or whatever and I can’t even just listen to a song without getting interrupted and it was extremely frustrating and just making things worse for me.

So I was outside and just thinking and then it hits me. I’m basically there all the time and just wanting to be with her and spend time with her and love on her and she is having a (string of) bad day(s) at work and has to come home and deal with me and her child and what needs to be done around the house that I didn’t get to before she got there. I say deal with me loosely but it’s there because it was just one more thing that needed her attention that she didn’t want to have to deal with at the moment even though she cared for me it was just too much and then it just kind of struck me how overwhelming that feeling is, needing some time alone and not being able to get it. And even though I had told her that I could stay over at a family members place I didn’t and she didn’t want to ask because she didn’t want to make me feel bad, even though I told her it wouldn’t. It just clicked in my brain and I just felt stupid over all the additional burden I had unintentionally put on her even though I was trying to help her out with the things she had going on in her life I was really just making it worse.

So I do not remember if it was before this moment or after but I was looking up on Google “this too shall pass” and some of the (apparent) history behind it that I didn’t know about. And so I don’t know if it was the epiphany or this or both or what but I just got calm and just knew that I could give her the space she needed even though it’s the last thing that I really wanted to do, I just knew it wasn’t going to help anything trying to force it as it were to work.

Amusingly I saw that phrase on Facebook a little while later and was like “hey! I was just thinking that!” Even though it was about something else unrelated to what I was dealing with.

And so now I wait and try to be as patient as I can…

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